overbooked

It's after 11 at night, and a friend just sent me a text asking where I was with a certain group project's paper. I told him that I hadn't done it yet because I was working on a paper for a different group project. I said that this amount of stress should be illegal.

He replied with "I don't think you are at your best unless you are way overbooked". It wasn't meant unkindly, but it got me thinking. In high school, I was the person that did everything. My senior year was ridiculously busy, and I did it all and loved every minute of it. Or - I remember loving it. I'm not actually sure if I loved it at the time.

Now? I just want to curl up in a ball and die. I've hit roadblocks in two of my (four) classes and really don't know what the outcomes are going to be. I'm nervous about the play. I'm fighting to remember everything that I need to get done between now and graduation - applying for the 'on time' rebate, getting my grad school application in by November 15th, studying for the tests, taking senior pictures, making and printing and mailing invitations, actually doing my laundry, and not oversleeping every morning.

After the train wreck that was last semester, I thought that I'd be able to deal with life better this time around. The summer was good for me; I was almost back to the person I'd been before everything happened. I had high hopes for this semester.

I no longer have those hopes. I am literally focused on surviving and making As in my classes - two things that I'm starting to believe are not both possible.

I'm still too vain to give up daily showers, but as it gets closer to beanie season, I'm not too sure how long that one will last.

How much is too much? Why do I do these things to myself? I'm always overbooked - that's literally nothing new. My inability to handle it - that's what's new. That's what's unsettling.

There's also the bit about me not actually knowing HOW to do something. Usually, I can figure it out or know someone who knows... Or I can ask the right questions. This time, we're in 'none of the above' territory. And that terrifies me.

48 days until graduation.