IT IS PERFECTLY ALRIGHT TO REMOVE TOXIC PEOPLE FROM YOUR LIFE.
Encouraged, even.
It's taken me a long time to figure this out. Growing up in the age of technology, it mattered how many MySpace or Facebook friends I had. It mattered how many likes or comments a picture got. It mattered who my top friends were (and now I feel old), and if my top friends had me as theirs.
Those things don't matter. Not really. Sure, you have a thousand friends on a social network, but some of them are people you had in your 2nd grade class that you really don't know anymore. Some are friends of friends. Some are strangers. Do you really want all those people seeing the things you post?
There's also the infinite possibilities for comparison. SO WHAT if the girl that sat next to you in science in middle school now has a boyfriend and you're still single? SO WHAT if someone from elementary school is now fat? Come on. Who really cares? Don't you have better things to do with your time?
I'm getting off topic. *breathes* Okay, so in addition to random people, you also have friends that, well, you maybe don't like so much. There's a quote floating around the internet about technology not allowing us to drift away from people. Just because you CAN stay friends with people on social media, even if you don't talk to them, doesn't mean you should. Do their posts make you feel bad about yourself? Do they make you feel sad? Do they frustrate you? Delete them.
Let me phrase this a different way. Does their online presence make you do anything besides smile, laugh, grow as a person, or think from a different perspective?
Newsflash: you probably don't need them.
(I'm not telling you to delete your uncle who posts only about his fishing trips and you literally couldn't care less. If it's family, you need to be a little more careful. Consider using the hide or mute feature.)
Social media is just one of the many ways of keeping toxic people in your life. Trust me on this one - you need to get rid of them. Stop replying to their texts, and if you can't, block their number. Stop hanging out with them, even in a group. Your other friends will understand, and if they don't, maybe they're not your real friends. They don't have to "pick sides" - they just need to respect your decision. (And this is where I realize that I need to take my own advice...)
I'll tell you a story. If you got the point already, or have experience with cutting toxic people out of your life, you can stop reading now. I won't mind. (:
I was friends with this guy a long time ago. First, we hated each other. Seriously. He annoyed me, and then we did a show together, and he REALLY annoyed me. The feeling was mutual, so no worries. Cut to the end of my senior year of high school - talent show time. Him and I were both on the audition panel, and for once, we didn't bicker. He needed a ride home, and because it kind of sucks to ride home with a teacher, I volunteered. I didn't live far from him, so it wasn't a huge deal. He was a little wary of this (note that when I say this, it's because him and I have talked about it. I'm not filling in his thoughts to suit my story), but agreed nevertheless. It's a 30-minute drive from the high school to our area of town, so we got in a lot of talk time. Surprisingly, it was pleasant. His exact words about it later were, "who would have known that her and I would have so much in common and shared similar beliefs on government, economics, global climate change, and so much more". He became my best friend, quickly and completely, at a time when I really needed him.
We did everything together that summer, him and I and another of my best friends. There are so many good memories I have - memories that I haven't experienced since. My current best friends aren't like the ones I had that summer, and coupled with the newfound sense of freedom - having a car and the anticipation of starting college, it was unlike any other summer. Of course, I ended up liking him (please tell me you saw that one coming), and for a while, it was fine.
Then he started lying to me. Sometimes directly, sometimes by omission. It was never to hurt me, but it was there anyway. At one point, I got sick of it and made the first move to cut him out. He had books of mine, and I got them back but was extremely cold and polite about it. He noticed, and made an effort to fix it. Then, the same thing started again. It went on for several months until one day, a relationship change showed up on Facebook. My best friend had a girlfriend, and I didn't even know he was interested in her.
It seems kind of petty now, looking back. At the time, however, I was hurt. I cut him out of my life. I stopped messaging him, I stopped answering his texts, and we certainly stopped hanging out. It was good for me to not have him in my life.
Now, it's been at least two years since all of this happened, and we're cordial again. I think I would call us friends, but that's not really the point. We've grown up and moved on with our lives - separately.
Social media is just one of the many ways of keeping toxic people in your life. Trust me on this one - you need to get rid of them. Stop replying to their texts, and if you can't, block their number. Stop hanging out with them, even in a group. Your other friends will understand, and if they don't, maybe they're not your real friends. They don't have to "pick sides" - they just need to respect your decision. (And this is where I realize that I need to take my own advice...)
I'll tell you a story. If you got the point already, or have experience with cutting toxic people out of your life, you can stop reading now. I won't mind. (:
I was friends with this guy a long time ago. First, we hated each other. Seriously. He annoyed me, and then we did a show together, and he REALLY annoyed me. The feeling was mutual, so no worries. Cut to the end of my senior year of high school - talent show time. Him and I were both on the audition panel, and for once, we didn't bicker. He needed a ride home, and because it kind of sucks to ride home with a teacher, I volunteered. I didn't live far from him, so it wasn't a huge deal. He was a little wary of this (note that when I say this, it's because him and I have talked about it. I'm not filling in his thoughts to suit my story), but agreed nevertheless. It's a 30-minute drive from the high school to our area of town, so we got in a lot of talk time. Surprisingly, it was pleasant. His exact words about it later were, "who would have known that her and I would have so much in common and shared similar beliefs on government, economics, global climate change, and so much more". He became my best friend, quickly and completely, at a time when I really needed him.
We did everything together that summer, him and I and another of my best friends. There are so many good memories I have - memories that I haven't experienced since. My current best friends aren't like the ones I had that summer, and coupled with the newfound sense of freedom - having a car and the anticipation of starting college, it was unlike any other summer. Of course, I ended up liking him (please tell me you saw that one coming), and for a while, it was fine.
Then he started lying to me. Sometimes directly, sometimes by omission. It was never to hurt me, but it was there anyway. At one point, I got sick of it and made the first move to cut him out. He had books of mine, and I got them back but was extremely cold and polite about it. He noticed, and made an effort to fix it. Then, the same thing started again. It went on for several months until one day, a relationship change showed up on Facebook. My best friend had a girlfriend, and I didn't even know he was interested in her.
It seems kind of petty now, looking back. At the time, however, I was hurt. I cut him out of my life. I stopped messaging him, I stopped answering his texts, and we certainly stopped hanging out. It was good for me to not have him in my life.
Now, it's been at least two years since all of this happened, and we're cordial again. I think I would call us friends, but that's not really the point. We've grown up and moved on with our lives - separately.
And that's okay.
It's okay to keep them out of your life. It's okay to cool off and fix things. It's okay to not justify your decision to everyone and their mom. It's your decision. It's your life.
It's not okay to spread nasty rumors, ruin their life, or be a generally terrible person. I know, you want to. Trust me. Been there.
Anyway, I think my whole point with this is that not everyone in your life has to stay. Remember that "other best friend" I mentioned? We aren't friends anymore, either. I don't handle being lied to very well. That's my decision.
I've very recently cut another friend out of my life - this past April, actually. After six months of emotional manipulation and lies, I finally realized what was happening (after pretty much getting slapped in the face by reality, mind you). I realized my best friend was right the whole time. I realized I had suffered mentally. I noticed I was losing it. I was becoming a shit person and a shit friend and I was done.
Six months later, I'm still angry. I'm still hurt. I'm still having to justify my actions to people I considered to be my friends as to why I refuse to be friends with this person. I'm still having to listen to their judg-y comments about my actions.
None of that is changing my decision. I'm so much better off without this person in my life. The story of how this realization came to light is enough for a post of its own, but it's not one I'm ready to write. When I do, I'll link it here. (I haven't done it yet. I'll remove this once it's linked.)
Stay strong. Evaluate the people you consider to be your friends. Find new ones. Think about yourself for a change. Breathe. It will be alright.
Love,
-C
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